I know I said I would post twice on Sunday. That didn’t happen. Sorry.
I was originally going to do something completely different for this miscellaneous post, but when I was looking for an empty page in my old notebooks, I came across this.
It is something I wrote as a Freshman, when I was trying to explain to my mother why I lie and steal and act impulsively.
Here goes ninth grade nothing, quoted exactly as was written.
“When I am being a doormat, so to speak, than I feel very uncomfortable asking questions. I have some weird inner-working that makes asking questions sound revolting. I apparently don’t want to bother anyone. It seems as if I’m more likeable if I never have to ask anything of anyone. People-pleasing, in my eyes, is giving, not receiving.
“There can be unpleasant memories of being turned down from the past. Some people are naturally discomforted by receiving. I think it’s best not to ask. I think I owe people when I receive something. I also often don’t feel worthy enough of help.
“Sometimes I just want to feel in control of everything of my life. Sometimes trust is the issue with that situation. Apparently not asking just makes life harder. Not asking questions guarantees that I don’t get what I want. Half the time I am insecure.
“I will ask someone a question, and when they return with a blank stare, I think things to the sort of, “Did I speak too fast?” “Did I mumble?” “Do I have a terrible speech impediment nobody ever mentioned to me?” It is really just a problem with the other person; they obviously don’t listen well.”
That was an interesting statement made by young me.